“Twilight” by Stephenie Meyer

We open on Bella’s dream that she’s on the edge of death, stalked by a dark hunter. But that’s just a dream, right? Just anxiety because she’s moving from her sunny home in Phoenix Arizona, and moving to the rainy, desolate, small town of Forks, Washington? Right? RIGHT?

The next morning she leaves her mother behind and goes to live with her father, Charlie, who is the Sherriff in Forks. Between the celebrity that apparently comes with that position, and the lack of anything interesting happening in Forks EVER, the whole town is a-twitter with the news of Bella’s arrival. She is instantly the most talked about, popular girl in school despite her timidity, lack of hand-eye coordination, and obvious dearth of self-confidence. She doesn’t even notice that all the boys are lusting after her, which… let’s be honest, yes she does. We know when boys like us, don’t we girls? Who are you trying to kid, Isabella?

In the cafeteria that day she spots a table of super hot students, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, and Edward, being all weird and exclusive. She is drawn to the youngest-looking one, Edward, who seems to be single and not at all ready to mingle. When she coincidentally sits next to him in Biology, he looks repulsed and angered by her mere presence. So am I, but for different reasons. She kind of gives him the wtf face, but he ignores her and just disappears for a week. Because missing a week of school doesn’t raise any suspicions in a small town.

Cut to a week later: Bella is settling in, making friends, and Edward is back (and being friendly — wtf face again)! Just when everything seems perfectly mundane, Bella almost gets crushed by a van that hit some black ice in the school parking lot. Good thing Edward swoops in faster than a speeding bullet to stop the van with his bare hands! In a very non-suspicious way, obvs! She is taken to the hospital for a possible concussion and Edward goes too, but I’m not sure why because he immediately starts being a dick again. Do you like her or not, Edward, make up your damn mind!

Enter Jacob, a friend of the family who is a smidge younger than Bella and just a friendly bundle of fun. Bella flirts with him to get him to tell her what’s up with the Cullens, and he reveals an old Quileute legend that holds that the Cullens are vampires and Jacob’s tribe are werewolves that are sworn to protect the town from them. But that’s just what those crazy elders say, how ridiculous! HA HA HA… ha?

Another round of Edward ignoring Bella completely, then inexplicably changing his mind and being friendly (this guy is a rollercoaster ride of emotions) ends up with him saving her from a street gang of rapists in a back alley in the neighboring town of Port Angeles. After which they have a lovely dinner where Bella drinks like 17 Cokes and eats pasta, and Edward confesses to being able to read minds. Neat! Bella eventually confronts him about being a vampire and he confirms it. But he only (usually) drinks the blood of animals. Luckily, she’s cool with that, so let the romance begin!

Three hundred and twenty pages later, the two kids are attached at the hip and completely besotted with each other. At a normal, average, vampire baseball game, three non-animal-drinking vampires stumble onto the coven and immediately sniff out the human in their midst. James, the scary one, sets his sights on Bella, and Edward insists that they leave town immediately. Bella comes up with a really backward and convoluted plan to go exactly where everyone thinks she would go (brilliant!…?) and Alice and Jasper escort her to an airport motel in Phoenix.

That ruse lasts for about a minute, until Bella makes the idiotic mistake of leaving her cell number on her mom’s answering machine. Way to let the tracker vampire know exactly how to get ahold of you Bella. He of course calls her back and uses an old home movie where Bella’s mom is calling her name to make it seem as though he’s holding her mother captive. Oldest trick in the book! And she falls for it!

So she gives Alice and Jasper the slip and goes to meet up with James so that she can just get murdered and get it over with (best idea she’d had yet!). Unfortunately, Edward swoops in just when James is about to finish her off and saves her fragile human life. He also lets his vampire family destroy James, so we won’t have to deal with this again tomorrow.

Bella wakes up in the hospital with a broken leg, broken ribs, and probably a bunch of other stuff, and the brilliant cover story is that she fell down two flights of stairs and out a window, which… seems like a really weird place for a window to be… but I guess that is more plausible than a tracker vampire attack. Bella and Edward have a little tiff about how she’d be better off without him, but then she has a full-fledged panic attack about him leaving her, so he decides to stay… for now. The End!

Just kidding, there is an epilogue! He takes her to the prom, against her will! Don’t you just love when guys force you to do things that you made clear you have no interest in? The end for reals!

I realize that the Twilight saga might not fit some people’s definition of a pulpy romance novel, but to those people I say… yes it is. If I’m being honest, this is a 3 and a half star book. It’s pretty slow moving and Bella is really a ridiculous character. The love story is all well and good, but the writing is pretty middling. Sorry Twihards. Stay tuned for New Moon, because I’m a masochist!

twilight book cover

One Response to ““Twilight” by Stephenie Meyer”
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  1. […] where Bella and the Cullens live? It’s not like they’ve ever pissed off any other vampires by killing their soul mates when they tried to murder Bella in a ballet studio, right? It’s a […]

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